My Habits are Highly Inconsistent with my Goals

Ok.. this is going to be long. In fact, you might not even be able to read the whole thing but I am going to give it the old college try just the same.

So, I've basically cursed sites like Facebook because of some of the ways that people open up on them ... I figure I probably curse them because I don't have the courage to open up myself.. so.. here goes.

I am in need of an accountability partner *or partners*.

I'm tired of putting only head shots on my profiles.

I'm tired of eating my emotions.

I need to be done with excuses for not following through on my weight loss goals.

I'm tired of struggling to get up a flight of stairs.

I'm tired of people examining my cart every time I do groceries.

I'm tired of making myself the target of my own jokes.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to jump off of a balcony to get in to a pair of jeans.

I'm tired of wearing black.

I'm tired of being afraid to go to sleep at night in case I don't wake up the next morning.

I'm tired of not fitting in chairs in the theater, restaurants and waiting rooms.

I'm tired of being fat.

Ok.. so there it is.

I am presently unemployed and not even sure in which direction my life is heading. Therefore, I cannot afford a gym membership or Weight Watchers or any similar weight loss program. I definitely cannot afford a personal trainer. I am alone and I have to find another way to tackle this problem. Not an easy feat when you have nobody to be held accountable to.

So... anyways.. there you have it. I need help... prayers.. anything. I KNOW that my weight is the crux of 3/4 of my issues right now.. so.. if anyone has any suggestions.. or is willing to help, please let me know.

Thanks everyone.

Kitty Roast, Anyone?

For all of you who are stressed or in need of a laugh, here's a little share for you.

Last night, after a rather stressful day, I decided to relax in a hot bubble bath. I grabbed my book "Stress and Insanity Busters for Women" or something like that, lit my candles and essential oil burner, opened the door just a crack so the animals could access the litterbox and slid blissfully in to the bubbles.

No sooner had I begun to peruse chapter 1 of my latest book than my cat decided to come in and snoop around the bathroom. We've all heard the saying 'curiosity killed the cat'. Well, after sauntering around, jumping on the toilet seat, the counter and the edge of the bathtub, I guess he figured that the candles looked rather interesting and needed a closer look. I saw him poising to jump and yelled 'NO!'.... Apparently 'no' in human language means 'yes' in kitty language... and so up he jumped.. face first into the candles.

My brand new ceramic candle holder came crashing down and shattered on the bathroom floor and out the door ran kitty flambé leaving that ever-so-palatable stench of burned kitty fur wafting throughout the house. Does anyone know how fast a humiliated, burning cat can run?

Ok.. so I yelled for my son to come out of his room to help me catch the elusive ball of fur and fire with visions of a flaming kitty cat setting my house on fire rushing through my ever more than stressed mind while I tried to jump out of the bathtub. Now, those of you who know my size will imagine that trying to jump over ANYTHING is a stupid idea for me.... but a 2 foot high bathtub side????? wet???? naked????? and STRESSED??????!!!! I gather from the gales of laughter emanating from my son's mouth that it was a sight to behold.

I'm ready for another relaxing bath but this time... the door will be CLOSED!!!!!!!!

Life Source

Sometimes I get the most profound messages from my own statements.

A few years ago, I received flowers for my graduation. The next day, the person who gave them to me stated that they hoped the flowers weren't dead since I had left them on the table over night. I told them that the flowers were already dead when they had been packaged. They had died the moment they were cut off from their life source.

As soon as I said it, I felt an ache in my heart... because I know that by my own doing, I have cut myself off from my life source, God. I've been denying my Christianity out of fear that people won't accept or like me and I've been living life completely outside of His will even though if it weren't for Him, I wouldn't even be alive today. So God... I'm sorry.. and I want to come back to You.

To my friends who can't accept this, I'm sorry but I've seen too many negative changes in my attitude, character and situation. I can't ignore it and, no matter how much I want to keep my friends, I want to keep God more.

Is it really the Program?

I've been struggling with insomnia for the past little while which means I'm awake for all of the wonderful infomercials that attack your brain in your state of semi-consciousness.

I've been seeing a LOT of weight loss infomercials lately. During the first few minutes of the testimonials of the people who followed (or claim to have followed) the particular exercise or diet program that's being announced *or should I say 'exalted'*, I get really excited and hopeful and reach for a pen to jot down the 1-800 number or the URL so that I can check out the product and/or order it for myself.

I must say that I almost have the market cornered when it comes to exercise dvd's. I believe there are only a few that I'm missing. They all look really nice beside the television and stacked up beside my movies and documentaries... but they're collecting dust.

My memory drifts back to the tearful testimonials where people cried and told the world *at least the part of the world that was watching the infomercial* that they 'owed their life' to the program and the creator of the program and that they 'wouldn't be here' if it weren't for it.

That got me to thinking... 'hey... didn't I purchase that dvd or program???? Well.. I didn't shed 100 lbs... my eating habits haven't changed. I still don't fit into the size of clothing that I should for my height and body type....what's up with that??????

Oh yeah.. that's right. I have to take the dvd out of the shrink wrap, put it in the machine and DO the exercises.. or FOLLOW the plan/diet diligently. I have to replace my old, bad habits with new, healthy habits. I have to create a new routine and get into it.. and stay motivated enough... love myself enough to follow through not only until I lose the weight but until I establish and adopt an entirely new and healthy lifestyle.

But wait... doesn't that mean that I would have done the work??? That I would have been the one that achieved the success???? I was the one that stayed motivated????

All this to say that I think we should give ourselves more credit and not elevate these programs *or anything else in your life that this might apply to* to a point of untouchableness (no worries. I know that's not a word). We need to remember and realize that although the program might have helped and even been the catalyst for our lifestyle change, ultimately, WE are the ones that did the work.

If we can let this concept sink in to the innermost part of our brains and souls, we will be able to survive even if we misplace our dvd's..... or if they get destroyed... and we CAN and WILL be able to live without them. :)

Just a thought and my 2 cents worth.

~~~Be safe... Be real... Be true~~~

Prayer for Something we don't Want

I've been thinking lately. You'll notice I do that a lot. I might have too much time on my hands but anyways... sometimes it's when I get the most inspiration.

I was thinking about how it is human nature to desire.. to want. We seem to always want something newer, bigger, nicer. The grass is always greener on the other side, etc.

I've also been thinking back to my prayer life.. which is almost non-existent these days. It just seems, though, that every time I pray.. I'm praying for something I want... a job, a husband, security, stability, good health, finances, etc.

This morning I was thinking... what if we were to pray for something we didn't really want??? Bear with me here.

What if we were to pray for God to bless our ex husband/wife? To bless the person who hurt us the most.. wounded our spirit the deepest... To bless that person or those people with their deepest desires.. good health, wealth... all of the things we'd want to see in our own lives. What if we were to take the focus off of ourselves and put the spotlight on someone else for a while?

Maybe God would bless them AND us.... maybe He would only bless them... but all in all, there would be a living testimony there.. and somehow.. some way.. there would be freedom through forgiveness and selflessness.

Just my two cents.

~~Peace, love and happiness~~

Out of Sight Out of Mind

Today, I did something that I have a very bad habit of doing. I went and checked the mail before I went to run a few errands downtown.

When I looked in the mailbox, there was a bill. I knew I didn't want to open it or even acknowledge it so I did what I often (always) do and put it under my coat on the back seat of my car. That way, I wouldn't have to deal with it.

You see.. as I mentioned, I've done this before.. and the outcome has never been good. What usually happens is, even though I'm not looking at the bills, they're still accumulating and increasing at a rapid rate. Usually before I even realize what's hit me, I've lost a service (or two). Then, not only do I have to deal with paying the total bill, but I usually have outlandish administrative fees to deal with as well.

I'm mentioning this because I've noticed that this 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality has been spreading to other areas of my life/world and it's not good. You see.. I've been fooling myself. I've been hiding my weight gain under the coat on the back seat of my car. I've been hiding it in the dresser... in the laundry room... because if it's out of sight, it's out of mind.

As life would have it, much like my bills, the accumulation of my weight hit me like a ton of bricks when I was shown pictures of myself in recent times. I couldn't believe how fat I've gotten. I was in complete denial..... so.. now I have to admit that I'm fat... and I have to lose weight..AND deal with the hefty admin fees attached to the reconnect. My health is suffering big time... I'm tired.. my knees pop every time I move.. I have no energy.. I can't sleep.. and much worse... have sleep apnea. Of late, I've also been suffering from severe acid reflux.

I guess I'm sharing this because I'm trying to hold myself accountable to my health. I want to change my lifestyle and I want to stop hiding my fat in larger sizes. It's time for me to deal with everything head on... and admit when I'm having a hard time.

So.. there it is... I'm giving myself a year to lose 120 lbs... and I'd appreciate any moral support that's available.

Knotted Faces are Contagious

It's so true.

I just got back from an afternoon of shopping with my son. When we left to get a few things done, we were both in great spirits, smiling and joking.

First stop... the dollar store. Keep in mind that I'm between graduation and a job and probably shouldn't be shopping anyways.. at least not happily. I digress.

So my son and I are meandering up and down the aisles and, out of nowhere, this lady comes up from behind me and bumps into me. Then she looks at me and gives me the big "HARUMPH" as if it was my fault she walked right into me. Naturally, I apologized.. being that I'm the one with eyes on the back of my head. Ok.. so along we continue with our meandering.

We continued on our trek through the store, walking up and down each aisle.. looking at things.. and joking... amidst stares from people who thought we'd lost our minds. I kid you not, so many people looked down their noses at us, you'd swear they were all 7 ft. tall.

After about 1/2 an hour of browsing, it was time to go. I needed to pick up some food. BAD idea. I go to Maxi's and everybody is in a hurry and all rushing for the same parking spot. Some people are yelling, others making obscene gestures and others just sitting and fuming in their vehicles. I thought I was going to lose it and we weren't even out of the car yet.

Without going into huge detail about our shopping expedition, let's just say that it was not pleasant. We were scowled at, pushed around and cut off and not once did anyone utter an 'excuse me', an 'I'm sorry' or a 'thank you'.

That should have been enough to tell me it was time to call it a day but it wasn't until I got in my car after our little experience that I realized just how bad it had been. My heart was pounding, I was scowling and frustrated. I know I got 5 more grey hairs and a new wrinkle and I felt like I couldn't get out of the parking lot fast enough.

I left alright.. but not before throwing a few nasty comments and gestures myself.

I'm going to lay down for a nap. I need to get rid of this nasty bug. My parting words to you.... when you're having a bad day and you have a knot in your face, it's not just going to affect you but all of those around you.

Loosen up.. smile... even if you don't feel like it.

Last I heard, smiling was contagious too.

Just my two cents.

~~ Peace, LOVE and happiness ~~