My Habits are Highly Inconsistent with my Goals

Ok.. this is going to be long. In fact, you might not even be able to read the whole thing but I am going to give it the old college try just the same.

So, I've basically cursed sites like Facebook because of some of the ways that people open up on them ... I figure I probably curse them because I don't have the courage to open up myself.. so.. here goes.

I am in need of an accountability partner *or partners*.

I'm tired of putting only head shots on my profiles.

I'm tired of eating my emotions.

I need to be done with excuses for not following through on my weight loss goals.

I'm tired of struggling to get up a flight of stairs.

I'm tired of people examining my cart every time I do groceries.

I'm tired of making myself the target of my own jokes.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to jump off of a balcony to get in to a pair of jeans.

I'm tired of wearing black.

I'm tired of being afraid to go to sleep at night in case I don't wake up the next morning.

I'm tired of not fitting in chairs in the theater, restaurants and waiting rooms.

I'm tired of being fat.

Ok.. so there it is.

I am presently unemployed and not even sure in which direction my life is heading. Therefore, I cannot afford a gym membership or Weight Watchers or any similar weight loss program. I definitely cannot afford a personal trainer. I am alone and I have to find another way to tackle this problem. Not an easy feat when you have nobody to be held accountable to.

So... anyways.. there you have it. I need help... prayers.. anything. I KNOW that my weight is the crux of 3/4 of my issues right now.. so.. if anyone has any suggestions.. or is willing to help, please let me know.

Thanks everyone.

Kitty Roast, Anyone?

For all of you who are stressed or in need of a laugh, here's a little share for you.

Last night, after a rather stressful day, I decided to relax in a hot bubble bath. I grabbed my book "Stress and Insanity Busters for Women" or something like that, lit my candles and essential oil burner, opened the door just a crack so the animals could access the litterbox and slid blissfully in to the bubbles.

No sooner had I begun to peruse chapter 1 of my latest book than my cat decided to come in and snoop around the bathroom. We've all heard the saying 'curiosity killed the cat'. Well, after sauntering around, jumping on the toilet seat, the counter and the edge of the bathtub, I guess he figured that the candles looked rather interesting and needed a closer look. I saw him poising to jump and yelled 'NO!'.... Apparently 'no' in human language means 'yes' in kitty language... and so up he jumped.. face first into the candles.

My brand new ceramic candle holder came crashing down and shattered on the bathroom floor and out the door ran kitty flambé leaving that ever-so-palatable stench of burned kitty fur wafting throughout the house. Does anyone know how fast a humiliated, burning cat can run?

Ok.. so I yelled for my son to come out of his room to help me catch the elusive ball of fur and fire with visions of a flaming kitty cat setting my house on fire rushing through my ever more than stressed mind while I tried to jump out of the bathtub. Now, those of you who know my size will imagine that trying to jump over ANYTHING is a stupid idea for me.... but a 2 foot high bathtub side????? wet???? naked????? and STRESSED??????!!!! I gather from the gales of laughter emanating from my son's mouth that it was a sight to behold.

I'm ready for another relaxing bath but this time... the door will be CLOSED!!!!!!!!

Life Source

Sometimes I get the most profound messages from my own statements.

A few years ago, I received flowers for my graduation. The next day, the person who gave them to me stated that they hoped the flowers weren't dead since I had left them on the table over night. I told them that the flowers were already dead when they had been packaged. They had died the moment they were cut off from their life source.

As soon as I said it, I felt an ache in my heart... because I know that by my own doing, I have cut myself off from my life source, God. I've been denying my Christianity out of fear that people won't accept or like me and I've been living life completely outside of His will even though if it weren't for Him, I wouldn't even be alive today. So God... I'm sorry.. and I want to come back to You.

To my friends who can't accept this, I'm sorry but I've seen too many negative changes in my attitude, character and situation. I can't ignore it and, no matter how much I want to keep my friends, I want to keep God more.

Is it really the Program?

I've been struggling with insomnia for the past little while which means I'm awake for all of the wonderful infomercials that attack your brain in your state of semi-consciousness.

I've been seeing a LOT of weight loss infomercials lately. During the first few minutes of the testimonials of the people who followed (or claim to have followed) the particular exercise or diet program that's being announced *or should I say 'exalted'*, I get really excited and hopeful and reach for a pen to jot down the 1-800 number or the URL so that I can check out the product and/or order it for myself.

I must say that I almost have the market cornered when it comes to exercise dvd's. I believe there are only a few that I'm missing. They all look really nice beside the television and stacked up beside my movies and documentaries... but they're collecting dust.

My memory drifts back to the tearful testimonials where people cried and told the world *at least the part of the world that was watching the infomercial* that they 'owed their life' to the program and the creator of the program and that they 'wouldn't be here' if it weren't for it.

That got me to thinking... 'hey... didn't I purchase that dvd or program???? Well.. I didn't shed 100 lbs... my eating habits haven't changed. I still don't fit into the size of clothing that I should for my height and body type....what's up with that??????

Oh yeah.. that's right. I have to take the dvd out of the shrink wrap, put it in the machine and DO the exercises.. or FOLLOW the plan/diet diligently. I have to replace my old, bad habits with new, healthy habits. I have to create a new routine and get into it.. and stay motivated enough... love myself enough to follow through not only until I lose the weight but until I establish and adopt an entirely new and healthy lifestyle.

But wait... doesn't that mean that I would have done the work??? That I would have been the one that achieved the success???? I was the one that stayed motivated????

All this to say that I think we should give ourselves more credit and not elevate these programs *or anything else in your life that this might apply to* to a point of untouchableness (no worries. I know that's not a word). We need to remember and realize that although the program might have helped and even been the catalyst for our lifestyle change, ultimately, WE are the ones that did the work.

If we can let this concept sink in to the innermost part of our brains and souls, we will be able to survive even if we misplace our dvd's..... or if they get destroyed... and we CAN and WILL be able to live without them. :)

Just a thought and my 2 cents worth.

~~~Be safe... Be real... Be true~~~

Prayer for Something we don't Want

I've been thinking lately. You'll notice I do that a lot. I might have too much time on my hands but anyways... sometimes it's when I get the most inspiration.

I was thinking about how it is human nature to desire.. to want. We seem to always want something newer, bigger, nicer. The grass is always greener on the other side, etc.

I've also been thinking back to my prayer life.. which is almost non-existent these days. It just seems, though, that every time I pray.. I'm praying for something I want... a job, a husband, security, stability, good health, finances, etc.

This morning I was thinking... what if we were to pray for something we didn't really want??? Bear with me here.

What if we were to pray for God to bless our ex husband/wife? To bless the person who hurt us the most.. wounded our spirit the deepest... To bless that person or those people with their deepest desires.. good health, wealth... all of the things we'd want to see in our own lives. What if we were to take the focus off of ourselves and put the spotlight on someone else for a while?

Maybe God would bless them AND us.... maybe He would only bless them... but all in all, there would be a living testimony there.. and somehow.. some way.. there would be freedom through forgiveness and selflessness.

Just my two cents.

~~Peace, love and happiness~~

Out of Sight Out of Mind

Today, I did something that I have a very bad habit of doing. I went and checked the mail before I went to run a few errands downtown.

When I looked in the mailbox, there was a bill. I knew I didn't want to open it or even acknowledge it so I did what I often (always) do and put it under my coat on the back seat of my car. That way, I wouldn't have to deal with it.

You see.. as I mentioned, I've done this before.. and the outcome has never been good. What usually happens is, even though I'm not looking at the bills, they're still accumulating and increasing at a rapid rate. Usually before I even realize what's hit me, I've lost a service (or two). Then, not only do I have to deal with paying the total bill, but I usually have outlandish administrative fees to deal with as well.

I'm mentioning this because I've noticed that this 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality has been spreading to other areas of my life/world and it's not good. You see.. I've been fooling myself. I've been hiding my weight gain under the coat on the back seat of my car. I've been hiding it in the dresser... in the laundry room... because if it's out of sight, it's out of mind.

As life would have it, much like my bills, the accumulation of my weight hit me like a ton of bricks when I was shown pictures of myself in recent times. I couldn't believe how fat I've gotten. I was in complete denial..... so.. now I have to admit that I'm fat... and I have to lose weight..AND deal with the hefty admin fees attached to the reconnect. My health is suffering big time... I'm tired.. my knees pop every time I move.. I have no energy.. I can't sleep.. and much worse... have sleep apnea. Of late, I've also been suffering from severe acid reflux.

I guess I'm sharing this because I'm trying to hold myself accountable to my health. I want to change my lifestyle and I want to stop hiding my fat in larger sizes. It's time for me to deal with everything head on... and admit when I'm having a hard time.

So.. there it is... I'm giving myself a year to lose 120 lbs... and I'd appreciate any moral support that's available.

Knotted Faces are Contagious

It's so true.

I just got back from an afternoon of shopping with my son. When we left to get a few things done, we were both in great spirits, smiling and joking.

First stop... the dollar store. Keep in mind that I'm between graduation and a job and probably shouldn't be shopping anyways.. at least not happily. I digress.

So my son and I are meandering up and down the aisles and, out of nowhere, this lady comes up from behind me and bumps into me. Then she looks at me and gives me the big "HARUMPH" as if it was my fault she walked right into me. Naturally, I apologized.. being that I'm the one with eyes on the back of my head. Ok.. so along we continue with our meandering.

We continued on our trek through the store, walking up and down each aisle.. looking at things.. and joking... amidst stares from people who thought we'd lost our minds. I kid you not, so many people looked down their noses at us, you'd swear they were all 7 ft. tall.

After about 1/2 an hour of browsing, it was time to go. I needed to pick up some food. BAD idea. I go to Maxi's and everybody is in a hurry and all rushing for the same parking spot. Some people are yelling, others making obscene gestures and others just sitting and fuming in their vehicles. I thought I was going to lose it and we weren't even out of the car yet.

Without going into huge detail about our shopping expedition, let's just say that it was not pleasant. We were scowled at, pushed around and cut off and not once did anyone utter an 'excuse me', an 'I'm sorry' or a 'thank you'.

That should have been enough to tell me it was time to call it a day but it wasn't until I got in my car after our little experience that I realized just how bad it had been. My heart was pounding, I was scowling and frustrated. I know I got 5 more grey hairs and a new wrinkle and I felt like I couldn't get out of the parking lot fast enough.

I left alright.. but not before throwing a few nasty comments and gestures myself.

I'm going to lay down for a nap. I need to get rid of this nasty bug. My parting words to you.... when you're having a bad day and you have a knot in your face, it's not just going to affect you but all of those around you.

Loosen up.. smile... even if you don't feel like it.

Last I heard, smiling was contagious too.

Just my two cents.

~~ Peace, LOVE and happiness ~~

Wait Expectantly

Recently, I've been thinking about something that happened several years ago involving my son and our little chihuahua, Buster. I feel led to share it with you, much like I do with other stories that 'nag' at my spirit. I do this because I hope that my stories will touch people and/or maybe strike a cord with them.

So, a few years ago.. ok ok.. several years ago... my son was about 6 years old and we hadn't had the dog for very long, I was sitting in the living room peeling a banana for my son. Buster was sitting on the floor in front of me, watching me peel the banana... not moving.

I kid you not, I think a bomb could have gone off and the dog would not have moved an inch.

Anyways, Buster sat and I peeled the banana. After a few seconds of being stared down by a dog no bigger than a rat and a half, I started to laugh and proceeded to talk to my son. I said "Zak... look at your silly dog. He's sitting there thinking I'm going to give him a piece of"... ok.. that's as far as I got in my sentence because right after the word "of", the top half of the banana fell off and landed on the floor.

I swear the dog looked at me and smiled, got up, walked over to the banana, picked it up and walked under the table to eat it.

Who's laughing now, eh?

I learned something from my dog that day. You see.. while I was preparing to feed my son, my dog decided that he was going to get some banana. He knew there was little point in begging so he just sat... but there was something in his look that said 'purpose'.... He was GOING to get some banana.

He was expectant... and he got what he expected.

Those of you who know me, know that I tend to be a very negative person. I tend to worry a lot and expect the worst for the most part.. even in just day to day life... and, ladies and gentleman, I tend to get EXACTLY what I expect.

Rather than acknowledge that my negative thinking might actually be affecting many of the outcomes in my life, it's been easier for me to say "See??? I told you so... I told you that was going to happen".

Friends, before words come out of our mouths, they are thoughts. Words have INCREDIBLE power. I urge you all to choose your thoughts and your words very carefully. I urge you to try to rise above your worry and fear. Rise above the negativity, regardless of what's going on around you.

Think positive thoughts and speak positive words. EXPECT good things to happen instead of bad things. Who knows? There might be something to all that after all. I know that I sure don't want to go through another 30 plus years missing out on good things and experiences because of my own negative thinking and words.

Just my two cents.

~~ Peace, LOVE and happiness ~~

Fear

Yesterday, I went to La Ronde in Montreal with my 14 year old son. The plan was to make a day of it and hit all of the rides... well.. ok.. MOST of the rides. I figured if I didn't try it now, I never would.

We arrived at the park and I was like a wide-eyed little girl.. maybe even a teenager. First off, the park is HUGE. Secondly... the rides. There wasn't much variety. Mostly roller coasters. I wanted to go on them.. I promise... but I couldn't because I had heart surgery a few years ago and so I actually can't.

In all honestly, though, I don't think I would have gone on a roller coaster even if I hadn't had heart surgery in the past. I'm simply too afraid.

My son and I wandered around the park for what seemed like hours.. stopping occasionally for breaks and to drink some water. At one rest place, I saw a 'ride' out of the corner of my eye. It was called Le Splash. Those of you who have been to La Ronde know which ride I'm talking about. It's basically a glorified log that seats about 20 people that goes up a hill, around a bend, and down a steepish hill in to a bunch of water, splashing everyone in the ride and those standing on the bridge above... amazing... fun... wet... cold.

I figured it would be fun.. I mean.. how dangerous could it possibly be? It's WATER!!

So, I fenagled my son into getting in line for Le Splash with me. (he really is a good sport). As we were standing in a long line of people, I noticed that my heart was pounding a little faster than normal. My hands were also getting kind of sweaty and my mind was racing with all kinds of questions:

What if I'm too heavy and the log won't go up the hill?

What if it tips over?

What if we hit a bump and fall out?

What if the ride stops partway through and we have to get rescued by the fire department?

What if... what if... what if.....?????

As the questions spun through my mind, the lineup to the ride got shorter and shorter and my heart was pounding faster and faster. Suddenly, I didn't want to go on the ride anymore and told my son I had changed my mind but when I turned to go back, there were more people behind us than there were in front and I had nowhere to move but ahead.

I thought I was going to die when the park attendant prodded us to move forward and get in to the log when it was our turn. I wanted to just swim across the entrance way and get out on the other side but I swallowed my pride and got in beside my son.

We sat down and pulled the seat belt as far as it would go (so it would fit around me) and sat tight.. me with my arm interlaced with my son's. The ride made a sickening jump and jolted forward and we were on our way.

First hurdle.. the ride up.... I moved as far forward as I could in my seat so as to use my weight to leverage and assist the log in going up the hill. (I didn't say fear made us think logical thoughts, did I?). I was gripping the bar in front of me to the point of turning my fingers a color more pale than their natural ghostly white color.

After what seemed like hours (but was really only about 30 seconds), we were at the top of the hill and nearing the curve. "OK", I thought. "I can do this". Then we rounded the corner and I couldn't see the track anymore.. only sky and the tops of the heads of the few people separating me from the front of the log. I had to close my eyes. I didn't want to see what was about to kill me. I just wanted it to be over.

I'm not sure what I screamed when our vessel went over and into the abyss (alright, already).. but it was something like "Holy Mary, mother of God.. I'm going to die!!!!" Actually, it probably wasn't that much because the ride was over before I could have uttered a full sentence. The fact is, though... the ride was NOT worth the amount of fear that I credited it with.

In fact, my fear lasted longer than if I had done the same ride three times... AND because my eyes were closed, I missed the whole ride.

Here's what I want to say. Friends, if you're afraid... truly afraid.... When you get to the height of your fear... the very pinnacle.. the place where you know that your stomach is going to jump in to your throat and your heart plunge to your shoes.... close your eyes.... tight.... hang on to the person closest to you for reassurance and ride it out.

Whatever you're afraid of will come to an end. You may even be surprised to know how much bigger your fear was in comparison to its cause.

Once you do that, the next time you face fear... you may actually be able to ride it out with your eyes wide open.

Far too many people have missed out on what could have been great opportunities because fear got and stayed in their way.

Just my two cents.

~~ Peace, LOVE and Happiness ~~

ps. Incidentally, before we left the park, I rode Le Splash again and only squinted. :o) I also tempted fate and went on another water ride, La Pitoune (I'll save that for another day).

What Makes the Man

It's not the car that makes the man

Nor is it his clothes

It's not the way he combs his hair

Or how much fame he knows.

It's not his posture nor his gait

That turns an anxious head

It's not the thickness of his brow

Or anything he said.

It's not about his status

Or position in this life

But more about his yearning

To have, with him, a wife

It is the hidden qualities

The stuff beneath the skin

That quickly grabs a woman's heart

Then slowly draws her in

It is his special talent

Of making her feel whole

By looking deep within her eyes

And seeing in her soul

It truly is his character

His rare ability

To hasten to his lover's side

And show integrity

It's in the passion of his grasp

His stance that never sways

Remaining with the one he loves

When others turn away

It is the one that shows his strength

By measure of his heart

And the will to see his lover

As a perfect piece of art

It's how he holds her in his arms

when she just needs to cry

The gentle stroking of her hair

while never asking 'why'

It's when he takes great pleasure

In laying down his pride

And cleaving to his lover

Remaining by her side

It is his great capacity

To help her when he can

And these are just some simple things

That truly make the man

©September 9, 2007

Kelly Irwin

Mirror Mirror

The first verse of this poem isn't mine. I heard it on tv and liked it and I wrote a poem around it.

Enjoy.

Kelly

Mirror mirror

On the wall

True beauty's not found

Here at all

It's not my eyes

It's not my chin

It's something hidden

Deep within

When I gaze in you

And see my face

I know that there's

A deeper place

A place that people

Cannot see

My heart, my soul

My inner 'me'

A place that longs

To touch, to hold

A place that hides

All pains, untold

A place that laughs

A place that cries

A place you can't see

With your eyes

The deepest place

Within my soul

That, without love,

Could not be whole

And so, sweet mirror

Upon my wall

Today I'll live

To give my all

From this day forth

I will impart

The endless beauty

Of my heart.

© Kelly Irwin

October 2002 Revised December 2005

Don't Fake What the Good Lord Gave Ya - Alternatively - Botox and Booties and Breasts, Oh My!!

I've been thinking... yeh.. I know.. I need a job. I think too much.

It seems that once we hit a certain age, we begin to obsess over all of the things that we don't like about ourselves. Our hair is too long, too short, too straight, too curly. Our butt is too big.. too small.. too round.. too flat. Our boobs.. well.. let's not go there, shall we? Sadly, the age at which this obsessive thinking starts is getting younger as time marches on.

It seems we come in to the world screaming.. go through it complaining and go out of it regretting. I'm thinking this really isn't a good thing.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not pointing fingers. I'm as guilty as the next person for looking at myself in the mirror and criticizing almost everything about myself. I'm working on changing the things that bother me the most mainly because of what they're doing to my health, more than what they're doing to my appearance now though.

I look at the lifestyles of the rich and famous. The uber-popular. The people that can't go outside without being blinded by the flashes of the paparazzi's cameras. They live in huge mansions.. vacation in huge cottages.. drive expensive cars.. eat expensive meals.. wear expensive clothes... you get the picture. What I'm seeing a LOT of them doing, however, is changing what God gave them. Mostly, their bodies. I mean.. seriously... do you think that Pamela Anderson Lee Anderson Rock Anderson Lee Anderson would be the same person without the implants?? I do... well.. kind of. I believe that she would be the same person.. but maybe just not as popular as she is now.

It seems the grass is always greener on the other side. Someone else always has something bigger... better... or, in my case... smaller. :) So... we spend our time and our energy wanting... wanting to have what they have... be who they are, etc.

Well.. I'm here to say that I'm sick of being this way and starting today I'm going to accept myself for who and what I am. I am still going to adopt a healthier lifestyle and pick up my exercise level... but I'm not going to obsess anymore about what might or might not happen as an end result. I'm just going to do it and love myself on the way to wherever it is I'm going. No more obsessing... no more regrets.. no more jealousy.

I mean.. we have psychiatrists to help fix the mind, cosmetic surgeons to help improve the body, teachers to help develop the brain, doctors to help heal our bodies and health... and the list goes on and on. I'm not going to try to put anyone out of business... I'm just saying.... I'm not going under the knife for any kind of changes.

I'm not going to burn holes through the faces of the pretty, slim young ladies with my jealous stares anymore. I am unique. There is nobody else like me in this whole world. I have no reason to want to be anyone else. I'm going to be 100% real!!! 100% ME!! Anyone care to join me?

~~ Peace, LOVE, and Happiness ~~

The Banquet

The Lord's banquet table

A sight to behold

Every place neatly set

For the feast

What an honour to dine

With the Saviour, I thought

As I quietly

Slipped underneath

The sound of the guests

Now arriving

Made me scared

As I sat there, alone

Jesus sat in the chair

Right beside me

Why did He not sit

On His throne?

The guests sat around me

By thousands

None had either

Worry or care

The room was full;

Brimming right over

Aside from just one

Empty chair

I quietly sat there

Just taking it in

The laughter and joy

All around

And, without a word

I hastily ate

All the food that would fall

To the ground

The laughter was all

So iinviting

It was hard not to shout

With sheer glee

Caught up in the jubilation

Above me

I brushed against

Jesus' knee

Suddenly, the whole room

Was silent

As Jesus slid back

In His chair

He looked at me

Under the table

Asking, "My child,

Why are you there?"

I said, "I'm not worthy

To eat with You, Lord

I'm content just to

Feast on Your scraps."

"My child," Jesus said

Reaching out for my hand

"In the world whence you came,

Yes, perhaps.

But here at My table

Are morsels so fine

There's mutton, there's

Manna, and stew

And there, My sweet child,

That one empty chair

Is the place I have saved

Just for you."

The Lord sat me down

At His table

And I ate there

With tears in my eyes

I saw, now, my value

To Jesus

His love for me

Was not disguised

Since that day

My outlook is changing

I see myself

Like Jesus does

When I'm feeling down

I am able

To gaze at the sky

Up above

I no longer sit

Under the table

I no longer feel

I'm the least

From now on, I'll dine

With my Saviour

At His savoury,

Succulent feast

When I dine with the Lord

In His Kingdom

I will no longer

Eat from the floor

Jesus has chosen

A place just for me

And so, now,

I will sup with the Lord

Kelly Irwin

© February 2, 2002

Revised August 1, 2010

Like God

We cannot take back

The hurtful words

That, one day,

Were angrily spoken

We cannot repair

The damage that's done

To a heart that's already

Been broken

We cannot hold back

Emotions run wild

When they've been released

From their cage

The sting will remain

From the slap of a hand

That struck out

In a moment of rage

We just cannot win

When we're spread out too thin

And constantly

Giving ourselves

The pieces we give

That once helped us to live

Stored up on the

Dusty old shelves

We cannot deny

When we've made someone cry

With a thoughtless

Word or deed

And we'll always regret

The times we pass by

A brother or sister

In need

But I'm here to say

Right now, on this day

There is hope

From our God above

If only we'll pray

A simple prayer

That He fill us with

His undying love

From this moment on

Lord, please help us to see

Each other through

Your loving eyes

Please help us to hold

With the strength of Your arms

And to hear

When a hurting soul cries

Let not our mouths speak

Through anger or hate

Nor with bitterness

Nor with pride

Let our whole being

Reflect Your love

That dwells with us

On the inside

Amen

Kelly Irwin

© April 12, 2002