I remember when I was a little girl. My dad used to take us to the park. We'd spend all day there. He'd give me underdogs on the swing.. pushing me so high I thought I might flip right over the structure of the swing set. He'd send my siblings and I on a dizzying spin on the merry-go-round. We'd run up the endless steps of the slide and slide down... never once being afraid.. only having fun.
I remember him grabbing me and throwing me up into the air.. and catching me as I came down. I remember bouncing on my bed.. or the trampoline.. when my dad would say.. "Jump... I'll catch you".. and I would. I'd jump. I wouldn't analyze the distance or the effects of gravity or the prospect of falling and breaking bones. I'd just jump... knowing.. that my dad would catch me. He wouldn't let me fall.
When I woke up in the middle of the night because of nightmares and fear of the dark, I knew I could go and wake up my dad and he would comfort me..just like when he used to look under my bed for monsters.
In my teenage years, as I became interested in boys, I made some pretty stupid decisions and choices. I got hurt. I got my heart broken. I went through periods of soul crushing rejection and my dad... was always there to listen to me. Promising me that whatever the pain, it would only last for a time and then it would go. That, no matter what, I would be alright. And I was... always.
Now, I'm older. I've been married and divorced. I've lost friends, family, and several jobs. I've lost my vision and my focus... and lost my purpose. I know I can still pick up the phone and call my dad. No doubt about it... but.. something's changed. Suddenly, his words aren't the healing, instantaneous balm on my aching soul that they once were. Sure, they ease the pain.. for a while... but somehow, the painful thoughts and memories manage to creep back in to my head and cause me turmoil all over again.
My son's been away for almost a month. I've been alone in this house... that didn't seem so big before.. but now seems HUMONGOUS!! I'm hearing sounds emanating from the house that I've never heard before and I'm afraid.... and dad.. well.. he's not here. He's thousands of miles away from me.. so he can't look for the monsters under my bed. He can't comfort me and assure me that everything will be alright.
Even if he tried, I'm not sure I'd believe him now.
Why? Who knows? Maybe it's because I grew up. Maybe.. it's like when we I was young, I believed in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Toothfairy and then, I grew up.. and someone in school told me I was stupid to believe in such things. Maybe I figured out on my own that my parents were Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy... and I realized that many things in my young world had been untrue.
I've noticed, in my life at least, that what once was unbridled, uninhibited, blind trust has turned to fear. The knowledge that my daddy would catch me when I jumped off of the bed has been replaced with an analytical mind. One that's always calculating distance and speed... and the outcome of .... what if???? What if I jump and there's nothing to land on? What if I jump and nobody's there to catch me? What if I misjudge the distance and break a bone... or furniture??? What if????
When once I would squeal with delight on the merry-go-round as it spun incessantly at breakneck speeds... around and around and around..... now, my mind is filled with dizzying thoughts and fears... worries... none of which I can substantiate but there.. nonetheless.
Why.. even though I gave my heart to God in 1992, do I feel like He's not with me anymore? That He's not guiding my steps... that I've done something wrong and caused Him to be angry with me? Why do I no longer share who I am with others but stay inside my house... alone... fearful of people being disappointed in who I am?? Why am I afraid that I have nothing good to offer?? Why am I cloaked in shame?
Father, tell me. When did I lose it? When did that blind faith leave my heart? When did the shadow of fear overcome me? I need Your help. I need You to lift this cloak and help me to walk in righteousness and courage... to KNOW that You are by my side and will never leave me or forsake me. Let me hear Your voice again, Abba. Please take my thoughts captive in You and stop this dizzying ride of worry and fear that has replaced my faith and trust.. even in You. Let me hear You saying, Father, "Jump, My daughter. It's alright. I'm here. I'll catch you."
~~ This is the cry of my heart ~~
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