Children

Is that your ball?

Is this your bat?

Oh, please don't tie those

To the cat

I tripped over

Your l'il red truck

And what's this on my sock?

Oh... YUCK!!!

Your dirty clothes

All over the floor

I don't know what to do

NO MORE!!!

Under your bed

A fork, a dish

No!! Please don't feed that

To the fish

You kids all live

Without a care

Just how'd you get

Your sock up there?

And just whose fingerprints

Are those?

Don't put that marble

Up your nose!!!

Why did you paint

Your sister red?

Come on now, Sweetie

Time for bed

Now, as you lie

With eyes closed, tight

I whisper softly

In the night

O precious Lord

With love, so mild

I am so grateful

For my child

Kelly Irwin

© October 2000

Blind Trust and Faith

I remember when I was a little girl. My dad used to take us to the park. We'd spend all day there. He'd give me underdogs on the swing.. pushing me so high I thought I might flip right over the structure of the swing set. He'd send my siblings and I on a dizzying spin on the merry-go-round. We'd run up the endless steps of the slide and slide down... never once being afraid.. only having fun.

I remember him grabbing me and throwing me up into the air.. and catching me as I came down. I remember bouncing on my bed.. or the trampoline.. when my dad would say.. "Jump... I'll catch you".. and I would. I'd jump. I wouldn't analyze the distance or the effects of gravity or the prospect of falling and breaking bones. I'd just jump... knowing.. that my dad would catch me. He wouldn't let me fall.

When I woke up in the middle of the night because of nightmares and fear of the dark, I knew I could go and wake up my dad and he would comfort me..just like when he used to look under my bed for monsters.

In my teenage years, as I became interested in boys, I made some pretty stupid decisions and choices. I got hurt. I got my heart broken. I went through periods of soul crushing rejection and my dad... was always there to listen to me. Promising me that whatever the pain, it would only last for a time and then it would go. That, no matter what, I would be alright. And I was... always.

Now, I'm older. I've been married and divorced. I've lost friends, family, and several jobs. I've lost my vision and my focus... and lost my purpose. I know I can still pick up the phone and call my dad. No doubt about it... but.. something's changed. Suddenly, his words aren't the healing, instantaneous balm on my aching soul that they once were. Sure, they ease the pain.. for a while... but somehow, the painful thoughts and memories manage to creep back in to my head and cause me turmoil all over again.

My son's been away for almost a month. I've been alone in this house... that didn't seem so big before.. but now seems HUMONGOUS!! I'm hearing sounds emanating from the house that I've never heard before and I'm afraid.... and dad.. well.. he's not here. He's thousands of miles away from me.. so he can't look for the monsters under my bed. He can't comfort me and assure me that everything will be alright.

Even if he tried, I'm not sure I'd believe him now.

Why? Who knows? Maybe it's because I grew up. Maybe.. it's like when we I was young, I believed in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Toothfairy and then, I grew up.. and someone in school told me I was stupid to believe in such things. Maybe I figured out on my own that my parents were Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy... and I realized that many things in my young world had been untrue.

I've noticed, in my life at least, that what once was unbridled, uninhibited, blind trust has turned to fear. The knowledge that my daddy would catch me when I jumped off of the bed has been replaced with an analytical mind. One that's always calculating distance and speed... and the outcome of .... what if???? What if I jump and there's nothing to land on? What if I jump and nobody's there to catch me? What if I misjudge the distance and break a bone... or furniture??? What if????

When once I would squeal with delight on the merry-go-round as it spun incessantly at breakneck speeds... around and around and around..... now, my mind is filled with dizzying thoughts and fears... worries... none of which I can substantiate but there.. nonetheless.

Why.. even though I gave my heart to God in 1992, do I feel like He's not with me anymore? That He's not guiding my steps... that I've done something wrong and caused Him to be angry with me? Why do I no longer share who I am with others but stay inside my house... alone... fearful of people being disappointed in who I am?? Why am I afraid that I have nothing good to offer?? Why am I cloaked in shame?

Father, tell me. When did I lose it? When did that blind faith leave my heart? When did the shadow of fear overcome me? I need Your help. I need You to lift this cloak and help me to walk in righteousness and courage... to KNOW that You are by my side and will never leave me or forsake me. Let me hear Your voice again, Abba. Please take my thoughts captive in You and stop this dizzying ride of worry and fear that has replaced my faith and trust.. even in You. Let me hear You saying, Father, "Jump, My daughter. It's alright. I'm here. I'll catch you."

~~ This is the cry of my heart ~~

Weeding the Garden

In the beginning of my Christian walk, I used to get numerous visions from God. They were so clear, it was almost as if He was standing beside me trying to teach me something.

I'd like to share some of my visions with you over the next little while... starting with this one.

I had a vision that I had a garden in my front yard. It was quite large, taking up a very big portion of my yard. I had spent a lot of time tilling the soil and planting seeds in the hopes of growing beautiful flowers to embellish my pitiful yard.

Anyone who's an amateur gardener knows that it's hard to not look at your garden every single day to see if there are signs of growth, even if the seeds were only planted the day before. The anticipation of growing something is palpable. It's exciting. I don't know about other people, but I was impatient.

One day, about a month after planting the seeds in my garden, I went outside to check on the progress. I was devastated to see that there were weeds growing everywhere. No flowers.. just weeds.

I went outside with a pair of gardening shears and proceeded to cut the weeds out of the garden. Hours and hours were spent snipping, sweating and throwing weeds off to the side of the garden. Finally, I was done. The garden was clear of weeds. I went back in to my house.

A few days later, I peered out of the living room window only to find that there were, once again, weeds in my garden. Only this time, there were more weeds than the first time. I was livid. Again, I went out to the garden with the shears and cut the weeds out. Again, I went inside, deflated.. feeling like a complete failure.

A few more days passed and again, I looked in the garden.. and, although there were a few flowers starting to poke their heads through the soil, the garden was still overrun with weeds. I went outside with my gardening shears to cut the weeds out once again. This time, however, I felt that I wasn't alone in the garden. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to look and Jesus was standing beside me. In His hand, He held a trowel. He handed the trowel to me and explained to me that by cutting only the tops of the weeds off, I wasn't actually removing the weeds. I was only making them invisible but, under the soil, they continued to propogate.... out of control. By using the trowel, He explained, I could dig around the weed, underneath the soil.. and get right to the roots.. the lifesource.. of the weeds. I could then completely uproot them and get rid of them for good.

I took the trowel from His hand and began to dig.. right to the roots ... of the weeds that were choking the flowers that were trying to bloom. Once every weed had been uprooted, I returned to my house and went about my business. A few days later, much to my surprise and delight, my garden was filled with beautiful, colorful flowers with not a weed in sight.

This vision came to me very early on in my spiritual walk. It was a time when I used to say I had one foot in the pasture and the other foot in hell. I wasn't sure if I wanted to completely let go of the life that I was so used to living... and so I was still hanging around with people who not only didn't believe in God but totally denied His existence. I was very easily influenced and so, at that point in my walk, it wasn't a good idea for me to be around them. Jesus was telling me that these friends were like weeds in my garden. They were choking away the beautiful flowers that were trying to bloom in my spiritual garden... my walk with Him. I needed to uproot them from my life... even if only for a while... because if I didn't, they would stay in my life.. hidden beneath the surface... wreaking havoc on my very shaky new way of life.

Over a period of time, I did what I was supposed to do. I cut off contact with certain people and found myself growing stronger and more mature in my walk. I felt as though it would only be a matter of time before I could stand boldly before those same people and proclaim God's love to them.

I distinctly remember one day, I was driving somewhere and verbally expressing who else needed to be 'weeded from my garden'.... and suddenly, I felt God saying to me.... "My daughter.. while it is well and good to be getting these people out of your life for a while... you need to know that you are also a weed in other people's gardens."

My spirit sank. I had been so focussed on the people who were 'ruining' my walk.. that I never even took into consideration the fact that my incessant babbling about God (when I didn't even fully know Him myself) was bothering them... pushing them further away from God, in fact. Hence, I had become a weed in their gardens and someone they needed to get out of their lives .. even if only for a time.

No matter where you are in your walk.... in your life... even if you AREN'T a believer, know that nobody is perfect. While there may be people that bother you... people that aren't popular.. people who you might think are losers... druggies... whatever....you need to remember that you might actually be a 'weed in their garden' too.

No matter what, everyone on this earth has one ingrained need that is seemingly never satisfied... the need to be loved and accepted. Reach out in love and friendship. Try not to be a weed but understand if people need time away from you every once in a while. Sometimes, even Christians with the best of intentions, can be annoying... like weeds in the garden.

Try to remember that, as Christians, we aren't perfect... we're just saved.

Have a great day and happy gardening!!!

~~ Peace, LOVE and happiness ~~

To Yield does not mean to come to a complete stop forever ; it means only to wait

The other day, while I was driving, the Lord put the word 'Yield' in my spirit.  I knew He wasn't talking to me strictly about driving.  It couldn't be... since I'm such a good driver *ahem*.

When I got home, I decided to look up the definition of the word 'yield' in the dictionary.  I found a few definitions but I'm sharing with you the one that spoke the loudest to me.

Yield:  b. to surrender or relinquish to the physical control of another : hand over possession of c : to surrender or submit (oneself) to another.

Most of us drivers know that when we come to a 'Yield' sign, it means we are to wait... to give the other vehicles the right of way.  I know most of us don't do that.. and.. well.. the long and the short of it is.. if you don't yield the right of way to oncoming traffic, you're taking a terrible risk which could end up hurting.. or even killing you.. and others.

These days everyone is in a hurry.  Even if we don't have anywhere in particular to go.. we're still in a hurry.  Running here.. running there... always rushed.  I'm sure most of us that are driving don't even notice the scenery anymore.  We have one thing in our mind and that is to reach our destination and accomplish what we had set out to do.

Most of us, when we're bearing down on a Yield sign are stretching our necks to impossible angles to be sure we are in the clear and then gunning it.  Some of the more daring (or stupid or hurried) people don't even bother to look.. they just 'assume' that the other drivers will see them and give them the right of way... not once thinking that the other drivers are probably in a hurry too.

Don't get me wrong.. I've done it too.  I've blown past a yield sign on more than one occasion... narrowly missing an accident or two... even cursing out the people that didn't give me the right of way even though they could clearly see that I was a woman on a mission.  I had places to go and people to see and I wasn't about to wait.. for anybody.

Well, the other day while I was driving, another driver didn't heed his yield sign and cut right out in front of me.  It wasn't a huge deal.  I didn't have to slam on the brakes or anything... but it was kind of annoying nonetheless.  That is until God reminded me of how many times I've done the same thing... been in such a hurry and so focussed on what I had to do that I had absolutely no regard for anyone that was sharing the road with me.

As I pulled in to the parking lot, something seized my spirit... it cut so deep that I almost couldn't catch my breath.  It was as though I could hear God asking me to yield to Him.  To slow down and give Him the right of way.  I'm seeing.. especially with all that's happening in my life right now.. that by blowing past the signs, I'm losing complete control of my life.... putting myself and others at great risk.

I don't want to lose my son... I wish I could wrap my arms around him and hold him... but I can't... I have to let him go.  I have to let him spread his wings and try something new.  It's breaking my heart but if I don't do it.... I'm going to be cheating him out of something he wants to do.  Part of me, in a way, is jealous because I never had the courage to do the same thing when I was younger.  I chose to do something I didn't want to do out of fear of hurting someone else's feelings.. and I have lived to regret that ever since.

I felt God telling me that I need to surrender my life to Him.  To give Him the reins and the control.  He knows what He's doing and He always has... and my 'ignoring' the signs won't make anything change.  In fact, I may be making things worse by trying to hold on so tightly to things which are outside of my control.

He's telling me to slow down... to enjoy the scenery and to let Him take control.  I want to do this... I truly do... well..a big part of me wants to anyways... but there's that small, whispering part of me that isn't quite ready.  The new driver. The one that wants to tempt fate.... so I know I'll need help.  Maybe something like a driving instructor for a short while... who knows?

God.. help me to yield to You.  Help me relinquish control of my life and my circumstances to You.  Forgive me for everything I've said to and against You.  Live in my heart again and bring me peace and the strength to get through this.. knowing that You alone are in control and will work everything out for good in my life.. no matter what it looks like now.

A Brick or a Buoy?

Saving a drowning soul

Deep sadness and depression can be likened to drowning slowly while many people look on and do nothing... just walk away.

What would you do if someone close to you were 'drowning' in sadness?  Would you stand a safe distance away and watch.. hoping that someone would come by and help the drowning victim??  Would you throw bricks of judgment and criticism causing them to go under faster??? or would you throw off your shoes, roll up your pants and dive in to save them yourself?

As most of you know, I'm going through a very difficult time in my world right now.  It feels like all stops have been pulled and every bad thing that could possibly happen is happening... all at the very same time.  I feel like my whole body is immersed under frigid water with an agonizing rip tide that I can't break free from even for just a moment to catch a breath.

I've been reaching out for help to the best of my ability.. but this hasn't been and isn't easy for me because I've been told by so many people that I'm strong and resilient and that I'll get through things, that I'm afraid to admit that I even need help.  It's almost easier to stay in a disillusional state and convince myself that I'll just stay in the water until the under current lets up and pull myself out... knowing full well that it isn't going to happen.. part of me knowing that the cold water has taken most of the feeling from my limbs and soon, I will no longer be able to fight the current.

I am< b>SO very grateful for my friends at this trying time in my life.  For the most part, nobody is standing idly by on the bridge watching me go under and only a few people have thrown bricks of judgment at me.  Other friends have been close by me.. at the river's edge... urging me to hold on... and deflecting the negativity that's trying to cast me down and hold me under the water.  A precious few of you have removed your shoes, rolled up your pantlegs and are wading out... against your own fears of drowning... to extend a loving hand for me to grasp and pull me to the shore.

I want to urge everyone to try to be this way.  I am right in the midst of it all... and there is nothing more precious to me than knowing that I am not in this alone.  That, even though I have many faults, some are willing to risk their very lives to face the under tow of the raging river of depression in my world and make sure I get out alive.  I want to urge you to help a friend when you see them struggling and hurting.  I'm not telling you to immerse yourself completely in their pain with them.  That would be unwise.  Only to get your feet a little bit wet... maybe wade in up to waist deep waters.... close enough to extend a hand.. or wrap your arms around them and let them know that they are not alone and that they're going to be alright.

Put away your bricks of judgment and don't walk away.  You might not be able to swim... but you can still stand at the shoreline and shout words of encouragement that will keep a hurting soul alive for another minute... hour.... or year.

God says in His word that it is not good for anyone to be alone... for when there is more than one, when one falls, the others are there to help him/her up.  I don't think it's in the Bible for nothing. 

God, thank You for my friends... for the ones on the shoreline shouting words of encouragement and for the ones standing right in the midst of it all with me.  Had it not been for them heeding the call in their spirit, I surely would have drowned by now and my body swept away to parts unknown.

Bless them, Father.. all of them.. with health... prosperity, happiness and the knowledge that they too are not alone.  That when I am strong once again and my clothing has dried... and the shiver has departed from my bones, I will be there for them in their times of need.

~~ Peace, LOVE and Happiness ~~

Are Your Problems Mud or Quicksand?

 I've been thinking about problems lately; both literally and figuratively.

All of us have problems.  Some of them are small.. some are big.. some are colossal.  Some seem insignficant to others but very significant to us and vice versa. You get what I'm saying. 

Well, lately I've been having some pretty colossal problems.  Problems that, for the most part, are completely and utterly out of my realm of comprehension and control.  First, there's the job issue.  I have none.  I left school feeling pretty secure and sure of myself.  I told myself that, even if I couldn't get a job as a PSW, I could always fall back on my admininstrative experience.  As it turns out, neither one is happenig right now.

Then there is the issue of my son who is moving to his dad's for the school year.  I know I have to let him go and adjust to being alone again but I truly don't want to.  I'm already lonely and he hasn't even left yet.  This is a very big one for me.  It cuts me deeply and is even affecting my sleep.. and believe me... sleep used to be my safe time and my dreams my safe place.

There are the financial problems.  We all have those.  Some big... some small... but I find financial problems a biggie.. and a common one, as I mentioned before.  I often joke about my finances.  I'm a bit overweight and I tell my friends that I will consider maybe selling my body but I will have to charge by the lb... but it is seriously not a laughing matter.  (nor are those derrogatory remarks about myself helpful for my personal growth by any stretch of the imagination).  Yes everyone.. the play on words is always intentional.

Now, normally, when I have a problem, I can get over it in a fairly short amount of time.. either by finding a solution.. or by giving the problem the credit it truly deserves and prioritizing it in my ever growing list of 'things to deal with'.   Of late, I have been finding the majority of my problems to be insurmountable.

I can see the problems.. but I can't see the solutions... and I'm becoming very easily overwhelmed and discouraged.. wondering if I will ever get out of the bind(s) that I am in.  My problems were mud. 

Mud is dirty.. it's gross.. (fun for kids but not so much for adults).  It's slippery and it's sticky.  Sometimes we get stuck in it an wind up losing a shoe or two along the road of life.   You know what I mean.  We've all been there.

Over the past couple of days, since my problems have been invading my dreams and my thoughts in a very pervasive way, I find that I've been focussing on nothing but.  They have become my topics of conversation with friends and loved ones.  They easily sway my attention from whatever it is that I happen to be trying to accomplish or concentrate on  at the moment.  They whisper negative thoughts in my ear and place pessimistic and defeating emotions in my heart.

You see, my friends, my problems have now become quicksand.  I've stepped in to them with both feet and I have become cemented in place.  I am slowly sinking deeper and deeper... almost up to my neck and soon.. right over my head.  Once my head is covered... I am a goner.  There will be no turning back.  I will be sucked into an abyss of wet, sticky quicksand and my name will be mud.  (I couldn't resist).

I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I may have caught this just in time.  I may be able to change my thoughts.. and affect my feelings and emotions subsequently in a positive and optimistic way.  I don't have to step into quicksand.  Mud is annoying and dirty. It might cost me a few shoes.. but it most certainly isn't permanent.

How about you? 

Are your problems mud.... or are they quicksand?

Just my two cents.

~~ Peace, LOVE and Happiness ~~

God Forgives

I have been praying for a very long time as to whether or not I should share this poem because it deals with a very personal subject.  I am sharing it because I am not the only one who has had an abortion and I know that there are other people out there who are thinking about having one.

For those of you who think aborting a baby is 'an easy way out' or a convenient end to an unwanted 'problem', please read this.

In my situation, I didn't want to have the abortion but I have felt guilty for the past 19 years for not being more adamant about my decision to keep my unborn baby.

Once a baby is conceived, it is a living human being.. not just a foetus.  Know that I am not here to judge.  I just want people to go in to this with their eyes wide open and their spirits/souls alert.

God Forgives

Dear Lord, several years ago

I made a big mistake

And if I don't forgive myself

I fear my heart will break.

You see, I did not stand that day

Upon my firm belief

That everyone deserves to live

And now I'm filled with grief.

I numbly stood in disbelief

While others made the choice

I wanted just to scream, to cry

But could not find my voice.

They did not feel the life that I

Then had inside of me

They did not care to understand

Dear Lord, how could that be?

How could they simply not accept

The choice that I had made

To let that little baby live

Although I was afraid?

And where were they that lonely night

While I was wrenched in pain

And crying, as my baby kicked,

Then never moved again?

That night, O precious Father

I lost a part of me

A life that I had helped conceive

A life that would not be.

For several years, my Father

I've tried to hold the past

I've hoped and prayed with all my heart

The memories would last.

As painful as those times had been

The terrors never told

I needed to remember him,

The child I'd never hold.

Through these past years, my Father

I've felt an awful shame

A hidden anguish deep inside

I'd felt no prayer could tame.

But through Your loving kindness

With Your firm, loving hand

You've told me in Your quiet way

That You do understand.

That every tear I've cried away

My back against the wall,

You've cried right along with me

I was not alone at all.

A special person in my life

Is helping me to know

That I must leave my past to You

If I desire to grow.

They're helping me to realize

That You've forgiven all

And that You'll be right by my side

If I should ever fall.

And so this, day, Lord, though it's hard

To You, I freely give

My special, unforgotten child

So that he may now live.

And though my heart is breaking

As I say my last goodbye

I know my child is happy

Protected, at Your side.

I know you've both forgiven me

For what I had to do

I'm peaceful knowing, Father,

That I'm giving him to You.

But could I ask my Savior

Just one more thing alone?

Please tell him that I love him

And I'll see him when I'm Home.

Kelly Irwin

© September 18, 1998